So over the weekend I watched a bunch of animation. Not anime (though I watched a little bit of that too) but Western animation courtesy of the good folks at Werner Bros.
The first thing I watched was Batman: Under the Red Hood, which I enjoyed immensely. The movie opens up with the Joker beating Robin (I think the second one? I get so confused with all the robins) with a crowbar. Theeeen blowing him up.
Why is this awesome?
BECAUSE THEY ARE FINALLY MAKING ANIMATION FOR ADULTS.
I loved anime when I was growing up because they--for the most part--are geared to a more mature audience. Back then I really liked it because with animation you are not limited by special effects or stunt doubles or whatever. As long as you can draw it, it can be shown. These days this is less important with the advancement of CG technology, but back in the 90's it was pretty important to me.
And all the while I hoped Western animation would come along, because--and I'm sorry to those of you who like anime--the drawing style of anime bothers the hell out of me. Giant eyes and tiny mouths, and two curved lines for noses. Nine times out of ten all anime faces (especially female faces) use the same model and I get bored. I think a major part of the reason Hayao Miyazaki is so successful is because you can tell by the art that he's directing it.
The other day I was browsing anime and the common denominator of mostly all of them (except the really popular ones like Evangelion, Naruto, Guyver, Ghost in the Shell, etc.) were totally fan service on a plate served up with a side of T&A. For example.
But last night I was feeling the pull of a little anime so I popped in Rin: Daughter of hardwordtospell. It's about a private investigator who comes back to life every time she gets killed. Sounds good, got high ratings so whatever I'll watch an episode or two.
The show was designed for depressed, lonely nerds who don't know how to find porn on the internet. Seriously, animated tits left and right, main character's a busty lesbian, torture scene involving dominatrix style piercings... you get the point.
Aside from that it was a decent anime. It had zombies in the first episode so that's pretty cool.
But back to my original rant! WESTERN animation. Under the Red Hood could have easily been a Hollywood blockbuster with a little more character development, script attention and mass market appeal. Aside from that it was still a VERY good movie and I loved the speech the Red Hood gives at the end of the movie.
Only thing I didn't like about it was that they didn't get Mark Hamill to be the Joker(Mark's best voice work here, in my opinion). They had some guy who did his best Mark Hamill Joker impression.
So after that I got all excited and watched Halo: Legends only to discover it was an anthology of short animations and had all sorts of anime in it (not even the god kind too. The first three had shitty anime with loooots of doubles and triples (doubles/triples meaning using the same frame two or three times in a row to save on animation effort) in use.
After that I tried watching the Superman/Shazam thing only to find it was ANOTHER DAMN ANTHOLOGY. Good animation. I know nothing about the Spectre though so I got bored and went to go find something else to watch.
I lost the point I was trying to make some where along there... Oh, I found it! Western animation is coming along, but if they don't hurry they will be made obsolete by advancing CGI techniques.
-McK
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Monday, April 4, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Rant
Someone linked on Twitter a photo of the new Wonder Woman costume and actress and I felt compelled as a DC nerd to rant the hell out of it.
The costume looks like something your girlfriend would wear when you are roleplaying in the bedroom.
The actress is rail thin.
Wonder Woman is an amazon princess, highest of their warriors. SHE SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE I COULD SLAP HER AND SHE'D FALL DOWN.
This is the shit that irritates me when I see casting being done for super heroes. "She's pretty with black hair and she's tall, PERFECT!!!!" Herp de derp.
And on another topic, her tits are like, on different time zones. I could park my car between them.
/rant.
-McK
The costume looks like something your girlfriend would wear when you are roleplaying in the bedroom.
The actress is rail thin.
Wonder Woman is an amazon princess, highest of their warriors. SHE SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE I COULD SLAP HER AND SHE'D FALL DOWN.
This is the shit that irritates me when I see casting being done for super heroes. "She's pretty with black hair and she's tall, PERFECT!!!!" Herp de derp.
And on another topic, her tits are like, on different time zones. I could park my car between them.
/rant.
-McK
Friday, February 4, 2011
Posting stuff my friends got a kick out of.
I am feeling a bit of writers block so I'm digging through my old emails to stuff I shared with my friends that they enjoyed. So here's my blag about the Twilight movie, a year and more out of date.
Twilight
Twilight
In a nutshell.
Opening: Bambi's mom. Only take out the bullet and replace it with a dude attack-hugging a dear.
Bella: I'm moving back to my dads place in Washington state who I haven't seen in forever and don't really get along with because my mom is dating this awesome guy who I get along with and I absolutely must GET AWAY FROM THEM.
Bella's Dad: I'm the most awesome guy in this movie. Seriously, I fucking rock.
Bella: WahwahwahImissArizonawahwahwah
Bella's Dad: Maybe this'll shut her up. Here, have a truck I just bought from this cool indian in a wheelchair and his son who automatically has a crush on you just like EVERY OTHER DUDE IN THIS MOVIE BESIDES ME.
Teenagers at Bella's new highschool: WE'RE ANNOYING, HOW ARE YOU?!?!?!?
Bella's female friends: WE ARE SO TYPICALLY FEMALE TEENAGERS IT MAKES YOU HEMORRHAGE, LIKE, OMIGAWD.
Edward: As I'm introduced I'm described as, I quote, "Like, way hot, obviously," But my face looks like I spent my childhood rediscovering the sliding glass door, over and over.
Bella: OMG I WANT TO BONE HIM RAW
Audience: Wait. What? I mean... look at him.
Exposition Teens: That's the vampir-- I mean Cullen family. They never show up in the daylight and they have graduated high school about a dozen times but we totally know they're not vampires.
Bella in Biology next to the fan: ::rips one::. Omg, why did he just cover his nose? Do I stink? Why is he edging away from me?! WRYYYYYYYYY?!
Edward: I must do everything in my power to alienate this woman I don't know.
Bella: I must do everything in my power to find out everything about Edward, even though I've only seen him once in Biology.
Edward, after a week of absence from school: I must do everything in my power to get the sexual tension as high as I can so that my balls will burst forth and strangle me, and I shall do this with incredibly awkward dialogue and cringe-worthy one-lines.
Bella: WahwahwahIdon'
Bella's Dad: Still awesome.
Bella: Thanks for being awesome.
Black dude at school: I'M GUNNA DO 55 IN AN ICE SLICK PARKING LOT! THIS IS A GREAT IDEA I BET NOTHING CAN GO WRONG!
Bella: IMPENDING DOO--
Edward: I just palmed a fucking Van for you. You so owe me sucky sucky. ::ninja vanish!::
Black guy in van: Bella! I'm so sorry! Who could've foreseen a teen driver going obscenely fast in a high school parking lot having an accident!?
Bella: OMGwhere'dhegoIwantinhispants.
Bella's dad: I'm being protective of my daughter in a completely awesome and slightly comical way.
McK: Wow, that's the only thing in the movie I laughed at that the director wanted me to laugh at.
Vampire Dad: HELLO WORLD!
AudienceespeciallyMcK: snicker/snort/sputter.
Vampire Dad: Even though my introduction made me seem like The Master Race dude from the Producers, I'm actually kinda cool and the only other person in the movie that is likeable. By the way, you might have post traumatic stress disorder from not being hit by the car.
McK: Soo...if I don't get hit by a car I might go crazy?
Bella: Soo...if I don't get hit by a car I might go crazy?
Vampire Dad, Edward and permanently On the Rag Vampire: Mumble mumble, Yeah yeah, Secrets, mumble mumble.
Audience: WE GET IT. YOU'RE VAMPIRES. WOOHOO. GET ON WITH THE BLOODSUCKING.
Bella: Eeaaaaavesdrooooop. Ohshit I'm spotted standing out in the open! Shit!
Edward: You heard nothing.
Bella: You palmed the van.
Edward: You saw nothing.
Bella: The police lifted your fingerprints!
Edward: Doesn't prove anything, silly woman.
Bella: THE CAMPUS SECURITY CAMERAS CAUGHT IT!
Edward: Look, you didn't get hit by a car, you must be crazy.
Bella: Wait, what?
Edward: Buh-BYE!
Bella: Wait! I'm HORNY!
Edward: ANGST ANGST ANGST.
The School in general: THERE'S THE MARY SUE LET'S ALL GO HANG OUT WITH HER AND VALUE HER OPINION
Idiot teenagers: Hey Sue, wanna go to the beach?
Bella: Not really.
I.T.: Too bad, you have to to advance the plot.
Bella: Well okay then. I guess while I'm at it I'll invite Edward to further frustrate my loins.
Bella: You should come to the beach.
Edward: I thought you hated me.
Bella: Well, I do, but I think we should hang out.
Edward: How does that make sense?
Bella: LOOK I JUST READ THE SCRIPT GODDAMNIT.
Edward: Anyway, I can't go to the beach because.... I'm. Allergic. To air. ::ninja vanish!::
Bella: I wish Edward were here at the beach.
Cool indian guy: How about you chill with the cool indian guy instead?
Bella: Sounds good. Lets walk down the beach.
Cool indian guy: So, exposition. The indians and the Cullen family have this truce because we found them drinking bloo--I mean hunting on our land. They keep off our land and we don't sound off and what they really are... which I kinda just violated, huh?
Bella: What? I'm sorry, I missed those fucking ginormous hints you just dropped off and now I'm off to do a research montage.
Binah, McK, Jess: Even Rocky had a MONTAGE!
Edward: I know you know... say it. Say it so I can hear it.
Bella: ...daddy?
Edward: What? No! Well, maybe later. But, say what I am!
Bella: Oh, vampire.
Edward: Louder!
Bella, in same monotonous voice: Vampire.
Edward: Yeah, whatever. Look, I get to show off! Super speed! Super Strength!
Edward: Super SPARKLES!
Bella: LET'S BONE!
Edward: I can't! I'm a monster! Emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo. I mean, I haven't killed anyone is a century, I eat deer, I go to highschool! I'M THE WORST THING ALIVE! IT'S TORTURE! BEING PRETTY FOREVER! BEING A SEXY, SEXY GREEK GOD TRAPPED IN THE BODY OF A 17
Bella: OKAY! FUCK! Just, Jesus, woo me with your incredible ability to totally not look like you're climbing a tree as you get Kung-fu wired up it.
Bella: Yay, piggyback!
Movie: Now to bore you a RELATIONSHIP MONTAGE! That lasts FOREVER!
Binah, McK and Jess: The montage song can only be referenced so many times during a single movie.
Movie: Still boring relationshiiiiip. Character building via Montage doesn't quite wooooork.
McK: For lack of anything better... Hey Jess!
Jess: Eh?
McK: I AM THE LAUH!
Jess proceeds to die.
McK: Oh, something's happening!
Edward: I like watching you sleep.
Binah: ::jerk-off pantomime::
Bella: That's... sweet. In a really, really creepy way. Anyway, since you're here, LET'S FUCK!
Edward: But, I'm a horrible monst--Are you not wearing pants?
Bella: YES.
Edward:... 'Kay. ::THE MOST AWKWARD KISS EVER::
Bella: Why'd you just act like I'm a fucking grenade?
McK: COCKBLOCK!
Edward: EMO! EMO! EMO! EMO! EMO! EMO! EM--
Bella: Jesus shit! Quick, to another relationship montage!
Binah: ::jerkoff::
Bella's Dad: I just thought I'd compound my awesomeness by sitting at the dinner table and clean my shotguns.
Bella: Dad, my vamp-- Boyfriend wants to meet you officially.
Bella's Dad: ::ch-chk:: Bring him in.
Edward: Hello. I. Am. Very. Awkward.
Bella's Dad: Still way more awesome than you and I only get like ten lines.
Edward: WE'RE GUNNA PLAY VAMPIRE BASEBALL!
Bella & Bella's Dad: Huh?
Vampire family: W00T! BASEBALL!
McK: Oddly enough, I am enjoying this immensely.
Vampire trio: HI! We're the guys McK forgot to mention up until this point but we've killed twwwwwooooo peoooooplllllle! We're scaaaarrryyyy vampires! Boo!
Vampire asshat: HUMAN! I MUST EAT HER RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE IN FRONT OF SEVEN OTHER RIVAL VAMPIRES!
Edward: No.
Bad Vampires: Okay then.
Vampire family: Well.... that resolved quickly.
Vampire dad: To reaffirm the awesome waves I've been giving off I'm going to help Edward protect his slutty girlfriend and subject my whole family, centuries in the making, to a war with a rival vampire group.
Permanently on the Rag Vampire: Why should I help her?
Vampire dad: Because I'm fucking awesome.
PotRV: ... kay.
The shortest and most uneventful chase scene later.
Phone call.
Bella: Hello?
Asshat Vampire: Hello! I've got your mom and I'm gunna kill her unless you show up and let me kill you instead.
Bella: Sounds like a plan. My old Ballet studio sound good?
Asshat: Sure does.
Bella: Mom? Oh, darn. Just an old video of--
Asshat: So now I'm gunna fiddle with you long enough for your boyfriend to arrive. I've even got a camera I stole from your house!
Bella: Mace n' run!
Asshat: I'm a fucking vampire. ::punt::
McK: ::wince:: okay. Props for actually kicking the lead actress into a pilla--
Asshat: ::STEP ON YOUR LEG AND BREAK YOUR FEMUR-FU!::
McK: Dude! Awesome!
Asshat: Now time to eat! Noooom--
Edward: Me! to the rescue!
Asshat: You! Through a dozen mirrors!
Belle: Me! Stabbed with glass!
Edward: Okay, I'm done.
Asshat: ::owned!::
Bella: He bit me! I get to be a vampire! YAAAAAAYYYYY!
Vampire Dad: Quick, Edward, you have to make a choice. Either suck the venom out of her arm, make her frail and human, or you can let it do it's magic and she can be pretty, young and immortal for all time. Plus you two could probably bone without all the fucking angst.
Edward: My choice is clear. ::suck::
McK: Why? You guys can't even fuck when she's human because you're afraid you'll go all sex-bloodlust wild and fuck/eat the shit out of her... which now that I think about it, sounds like a good time.
Bella: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Probably the best scene in the whole movie is this one with no dialogue, with Edward sitting across from Belle's dad, waiting for her to come downstairs.
Bella: I'm Hawt with this fucking cast and skimpy dress.
Edward: Let's go, your dad intimidates me.
Bella: What? You could punch a hole through him.
Edward: I don't wanna talk about it.
Bella's Dad: Still awesome.
ANNOYING PROM W00: ANNOYING TEENS W00!
Bella: MAKE ME A VAMPIRE NOW WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Edward: Kay!
Edward: ...sike.
Belle: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The End.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
How DC Messed up Superman.
In my last post I said something about how DC could never write for the Man of Steel and maybe I should do a separate post on that. Well, here it is.
I don't think there is a person in the States who doesn't know who Superman is. He's had four feature films, a bunch of TV shows, several animated shows, several animated movies and has been in comics since the forties. He stands for Truth, Justice and... well, if you watch or read the modern Supes the American Way has been left behind in order to be more politically correct. So, now he stands for Truth, Justice and Political Correctness.
Now, someone might ask, "Why do you say they don't know how to write for him? He's the most popular superhero ever!"
I'd say to that, "True. Then why is Marvel so much more popular than DC?"
One could say that Marvel has more heroes that draw readers. But if you look at sales, they get their money from comics with the Big Names in them. Whenever the New Warriors have Wolverine guest star in their comic circulation goes up and goes down as soon as Wolverine gets tired of hanging out with losers and goes and kills a grizzly bear with his bare hands. Deadpool is rising in popularity (I was into Deadpool before he got all "popular") because he is a generally interesting character, but his sales still raise when he get's teamed up with/against Spider-Man or any other brand-name hero.
Same goes for DC. (Enter lame hero)'s sales go up when Superman or Batman show up to lend a hand. DC knows it's main powerhouses and even tried to cash in on that, doing a story-arch called Trinity where Supes, Batman and Wonder Woman teamed up and beat the shit out of everything that looked slightly bad.
Where am I going with this? Well, Supes is the icon of virtue and all that good stuff but he doesn't hold my attention like Spider-Man does or even Wolverine.
Why?
Because he's goddamn Superman! Nothing can hurt his super-ass unless you have a particular green rock. It's hard to read about someone who is all powerful because it's BORING.
When he stops a robbery, is there any doubt that he will stop it? Absolutely not. The guy can circle the globe in a heartbeat, bullets bounce off him and he can see through walls; there's absolutely no way to escape from him. With Spider-Man there's a chance that one of the robbers might get lucky and cap his ass, or they drive out of Manhattan and Spidey can't chase because there are no more sky-scrapers to swing from.
Well you can stand up for him and refute my point various ways but I'd like to point out that the highest selling comic of all time was The Death of Superman.
People who don't even read comics bought that comic. Partly because it was the Paragon of Virtue Superman being killed. For me (yes I bought it and then promptly lost it) it was because there was an actual story about struggle.
Why are movies like Die Hard, The Shawshank Redemption, even The Dark Knight so entertaining? Because the main character has some serious barriers to overcome! And you're there, eating your popcorn, rooting for him when he's winning and sharing his pain when he gets knocked down. And when he finally gets to the end, and finally wins and can go home, you have that same relief that he feels.
How can you share pain with someone who is invincible?
How can you relate to someone who always wins?
To me, the Death of Superman was exactly what was needed for Superman; showing that he is just like me. He can lose.
...I would have gone a different path than killing him, but there you go.
What brought all this to mind was the opening CGI in DC Universe Online, where Supes looks all crazy-cool with his glowing eyes, shredded cape and unshaven face (how does he shave, anyway? His hair is strong enough to hold a ton, a literal ton) and he seriously just owns Black Adam's face with his laser eyes, probably killing him. Then he beats up Lex a bit, goes over to Wonder Woman who's all messed up and Oh ho ho, Lex is crafty and put Kryptonite in her mouth which messes with Supes and Lex walks up and impales Supes on a spear.
That got me thinking, "How would I handle Superman?"
When he starts out he has all the same powers. But when he's around Kryptonite, it has permanent effects. He's still Superman, but bullets can hurt him. Not kill him, but hurt him. And only high-caliber weapons. That would mean that Tanks could hurt him potentially. I'd let him keep his super-speed and heat-vision, of course, but making it so he can be hurt by things other than nuclear bombs makes him so much easier to write.
And kryptonite? Only one rock. ONE. And after Supes gets weakened the majority of it gets destroyed. I read somewhere that with how much kryptonite is available on Earth, Krypton would have had ten times the mass of our entire solar system when it exploded for all that stuff to fall to Earth. So, there's only one rock.
Oh, and his solar powered powers? Only last six hours. When he wakes up in the morning in the winter, before he opens his window, he's a regular Joe. So there'd be no need for that stupid red sunlight shit.
Superdog never exists.
Jimmy Olsen? Dies as a child.
Lois Lane IMMEDIATELY figures out who Clark is because she's not a complete IDIOT. It doesn't take the investigative powers of a Pulitzer prize winning reporter to figure out Clark Kent = Superman. "Hmm. Same height, build, hair and eye color, not to mention they look identical. Never seen at the same place at once. Clark avoids Superman stories like he's allergic to them..." I WONDER IF CLARK IS SUPERMAN.
Aaaand because Lois finds out Supes secret identity early without the building of their friendship/relationship, she might just write that news story Supes is always getting her to promise not to write. I actually don't know what I'd do here, either out Supes or get him to threaten Lois from doing it. Maybe not threaten threaten, but being all "Publishing that could put everything that is close to me in danger. What if someone wanted to hurt my mom to get to me? etc."
Anyway. That, to me, is far more interesting than "OH NOES GIANT ROBOT--oh, Superman just tossed it into the sun. It didn't even start up yet. Huh."
-McK
I don't think there is a person in the States who doesn't know who Superman is. He's had four feature films, a bunch of TV shows, several animated shows, several animated movies and has been in comics since the forties. He stands for Truth, Justice and... well, if you watch or read the modern Supes the American Way has been left behind in order to be more politically correct. So, now he stands for Truth, Justice and Political Correctness.
Now, someone might ask, "Why do you say they don't know how to write for him? He's the most popular superhero ever!"
I'd say to that, "True. Then why is Marvel so much more popular than DC?"
One could say that Marvel has more heroes that draw readers. But if you look at sales, they get their money from comics with the Big Names in them. Whenever the New Warriors have Wolverine guest star in their comic circulation goes up and goes down as soon as Wolverine gets tired of hanging out with losers and goes and kills a grizzly bear with his bare hands. Deadpool is rising in popularity (I was into Deadpool before he got all "popular") because he is a generally interesting character, but his sales still raise when he get's teamed up with/against Spider-Man or any other brand-name hero.
Same goes for DC. (Enter lame hero)'s sales go up when Superman or Batman show up to lend a hand. DC knows it's main powerhouses and even tried to cash in on that, doing a story-arch called Trinity where Supes, Batman and Wonder Woman teamed up and beat the shit out of everything that looked slightly bad.
Where am I going with this? Well, Supes is the icon of virtue and all that good stuff but he doesn't hold my attention like Spider-Man does or even Wolverine.
Why?
Because he's goddamn Superman! Nothing can hurt his super-ass unless you have a particular green rock. It's hard to read about someone who is all powerful because it's BORING.
When he stops a robbery, is there any doubt that he will stop it? Absolutely not. The guy can circle the globe in a heartbeat, bullets bounce off him and he can see through walls; there's absolutely no way to escape from him. With Spider-Man there's a chance that one of the robbers might get lucky and cap his ass, or they drive out of Manhattan and Spidey can't chase because there are no more sky-scrapers to swing from.
Well you can stand up for him and refute my point various ways but I'd like to point out that the highest selling comic of all time was The Death of Superman.
People who don't even read comics bought that comic. Partly because it was the Paragon of Virtue Superman being killed. For me (yes I bought it and then promptly lost it) it was because there was an actual story about struggle.
Why are movies like Die Hard, The Shawshank Redemption, even The Dark Knight so entertaining? Because the main character has some serious barriers to overcome! And you're there, eating your popcorn, rooting for him when he's winning and sharing his pain when he gets knocked down. And when he finally gets to the end, and finally wins and can go home, you have that same relief that he feels.
How can you share pain with someone who is invincible?
How can you relate to someone who always wins?
To me, the Death of Superman was exactly what was needed for Superman; showing that he is just like me. He can lose.
...I would have gone a different path than killing him, but there you go.
What brought all this to mind was the opening CGI in DC Universe Online, where Supes looks all crazy-cool with his glowing eyes, shredded cape and unshaven face (how does he shave, anyway? His hair is strong enough to hold a ton, a literal ton) and he seriously just owns Black Adam's face with his laser eyes, probably killing him. Then he beats up Lex a bit, goes over to Wonder Woman who's all messed up and Oh ho ho, Lex is crafty and put Kryptonite in her mouth which messes with Supes and Lex walks up and impales Supes on a spear.
That got me thinking, "How would I handle Superman?"
When he starts out he has all the same powers. But when he's around Kryptonite, it has permanent effects. He's still Superman, but bullets can hurt him. Not kill him, but hurt him. And only high-caliber weapons. That would mean that Tanks could hurt him potentially. I'd let him keep his super-speed and heat-vision, of course, but making it so he can be hurt by things other than nuclear bombs makes him so much easier to write.
And kryptonite? Only one rock. ONE. And after Supes gets weakened the majority of it gets destroyed. I read somewhere that with how much kryptonite is available on Earth, Krypton would have had ten times the mass of our entire solar system when it exploded for all that stuff to fall to Earth. So, there's only one rock.
Oh, and his solar powered powers? Only last six hours. When he wakes up in the morning in the winter, before he opens his window, he's a regular Joe. So there'd be no need for that stupid red sunlight shit.
Superdog never exists.
Jimmy Olsen? Dies as a child.
Lois Lane IMMEDIATELY figures out who Clark is because she's not a complete IDIOT. It doesn't take the investigative powers of a Pulitzer prize winning reporter to figure out Clark Kent = Superman. "Hmm. Same height, build, hair and eye color, not to mention they look identical. Never seen at the same place at once. Clark avoids Superman stories like he's allergic to them..." I WONDER IF CLARK IS SUPERMAN.
Aaaand because Lois finds out Supes secret identity early without the building of their friendship/relationship, she might just write that news story Supes is always getting her to promise not to write. I actually don't know what I'd do here, either out Supes or get him to threaten Lois from doing it. Maybe not threaten threaten, but being all "Publishing that could put everything that is close to me in danger. What if someone wanted to hurt my mom to get to me? etc."
Anyway. That, to me, is far more interesting than "OH NOES GIANT ROBOT--oh, Superman just tossed it into the sun. It didn't even start up yet. Huh."
-McK
Friday, January 14, 2011
DC Universe Online
So I downloaded DC universe (I find it simpler to download Steam games just before going to bed/work and having a game ready for me when I get home than going to an actual store) a few days ago and I've gotten what I think is a pretty good feel of the game.
Yes, I am reviewing a video game.
After signing up and subscribing and doing this and that the game finally let me play it after fifteen minutes of paper work (maybe e-work? what do you call that?). I got to the character creation screen and was prompted to choose a role-model. You get three choises, Batman, Superman and I forget the third one, maybe Wonder Woman. I'm a DC fan (but not to the extent that I'm a Marvel fan) and my favorites are Batman and Superman, even if DC has never known how to write stories for the man of Steel--I think I will do a separate post on that. Anyway, since those are my favorites I forgot the third one, no slight against WW meant (or the Green Lantern?), I just like my bats and kryptonians.
So I picked Supes. I figured who would be a better mentor? Batman would help you out of a bind but then forget you were alive to go brood on a roof and complain about his dead parents. Superman would complain about his dead species, but being all alone he DESPERATELY needs friends. Why do you think he keeps creating the Justice League/Friends/Guild/etc.?
After that you get routine character creation. Hair, face, hair color, face color, what kind of tights, etc. I chose fire with hand blasts for my powers. I named my superhero Third Degree. It was the most witty fire-themed name I could think of. It was either that or this.
After you're done making your character the game plops you in the middle of Brainiac's ship. Who is supposed to destroy the world. Right, I forgot that part.
DC actually wrote a story to explain why there would be a suddenly explosion in the super-hero population. In the future when all the super-hero's had better looking costumes... well, except Superman, who only got a torn-up costume, a five o'clock shadow and glowing eyes and Wonder Woman, who got a sword...
Anyway, huge CGI battle with future villains and heroes duking it out, heros lose and Lex Luthor impales Supes with a spear tipped with kryptonite, killing his super ass. Before Lex can enjoy the afterglow of killing his nemesis, Brianiac's (I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVEN'T RETCON'D THAT STUPID NAME) armada shows up and Lex looks at all the dead superheros and pretty much goes, "Gosh, I really wish I had them around to help me right now."
SO HE GOES BACK IN TIME TO WARN THE SUPERHEROES!
Batman makes the obvious point, "Why should we believe you?"
Lex looks him dead in the eye and says. "Because."
Then he releases these robots he stole from Brainiac on earth that give random people superpowers so there will be a super army when Brainiac shows up to off the planet.
Back to the ship.
Oracle phones in and is all "OH GOOD YOU ESCAEPD LETS GET UOT FER REALZ." I always feel weird when I read or watch or hear Oracle because I remember having a boy-crush (I WAS TEN) on Batgirl and now she's all paralyzed and I feel weird. Anyway.
So I fight through the ship, get to the boss fight where Supes shows up and is all "Let's beat up these bitches." At this point you can just find a corner to take a nap because Supes does all the heavy lifting but I helped out anyway for the experience.
After that you teleport to the Metropolis Police Department and there the tutorial gives you info on the various facilities much like a tour-guide hopped up on crack would. "Here you can buy things and OH let's talk to that guy and wait there's the Flash and oh yeah there you go bye!"
If you're familiar with MMO's at all the tutorial should feel unneeded anyway. Your first foray into the world of Superheroing is going out to stop Grogg--if you picked Supes to be your mentor--from turning people into apes.
Now we will talk about the combat.
I am playing on the PC. I mention this because the game is also available on the PS3 so the controls will be different. Left mouse is your melee attack. Since I picked Hand blasts for my skill I punch by shoving my arm out while blasting at the same time, which I admit is really cool. You have your standard one-two-pow combo to start off with that you can spend skill points to upgrade.
Right click shoots blasts at enemies a little ways away. This can also be upgraded to do more than the one-two-notquitepow.
The combat is fairly fun, if repetitive. The abilities liven it up and make it a good deal more fun. Then there are weapon abilities that allow you to do special moves depending on what weapon you chose. As I said, I chose hand blasts, and from what I've seen hand blasts powers make you a homicidal soccer/volleyball player. All the special blasts have you making these large energy balls that you kick/slap at the enemies. Aside from making me twitch at how lame I look doing a spinning kick that looks really cool except for the fact that I'm kicking a big ball of red energy at someone that I could just as easily and non-dorkilly throw, its fun.
As a note, this game is being compared to City of Heroes/Villains a lot. In fact, in my first hour of play the chatlog was full of people making comparisons between the two games. So here's what I think DCUO does better than CoH/V:
Equipment.
The loot in the game actually effects the game play. You can find a better cape that gives you more HP and attack, and when you equip it it (GASP) CHANGES THE LOOK OF YOUR HERO!
That's what pissed me off about CoH/V. When the game launched the "loot" you found was only things called Enhancements. Enhancements were pogs that you got that you could slot into your powers that would make them more effective by a percentage. Early levels that percentage was like, 3%, or something. And most of the time the pogs that you found offa badguys were useless until you started Taskforces, which were hours-long strings of quests (or "Missions") that ended with a boss fight, where you might get one or two "good" enhancements. And that's only when you're level 15 or up (of 50 levels).
When I started DCUO, I fought Grogg, Scarecrow, saved Batwoman, fought alongside the Flash and beat the shit out of Bane. While doing this I kept finding loot that completely changed what I looked like--sometimes for better, often for worse. Kilts do not look good on a guy with glowing eyes.
But have I mentioned the style tab?
The style tab records every "look" that you've had and allows you to go back to it at any time. From the original look you had when you made your character or those cool shoulder pads that you replaced four levels ago for the dorky-looking ones with the much better stats. Don't like the way they look? Change it back--without losing stats.
In CoH/V, if you wanted to change the way your guy looked, you had to use the same character creation screen that you started off with, and pay in the games "money" (I think it was called Influence or something). Of course, you could "craft" better items, like a fiery halo or cool mechanical wings, but it took hours of grinding (or lots of money spent at the auction house) to get the necessary materials together.
So my guy in DCUO is always evolving, always changing, but always into something I like because I can control what gets changed and what doesn't. The color scheme stays the same though, so my black and red Fire Hero is always black and red even when he equips a sombrero (I have not equiped a sombrero, though now I really want to).
It's the motherfucking DC Universe.
There's something to be said about having a casual conversation with Superman about how a giant, super-intelligent ape needs it's ass handed to it. Or having The Flash show up in the middle of a mission to lend a hand. Or having Supergirl say something flirty (this happen to happen on a hero I had made that was female, and I am sure there are nerds everywhere doing that mission and masturbating furiously at those few suggestive words).
Flight/Travel.
One thing I remember about CoH/V was that their flying didn't feel like flying. I dunno what it felt like but it was more levitating or... Actually it felt like noclipping. Only without the going-through-walls benefits.
DCUO got it right. The pose, the way the body curves when it turns, all that good stuff. Another cool thing I like is that these super heroes cannot be hurt by gravity. I was always pissed when for some reason or another my flight would cut out in CoH/V and I'd fall and be hurt, even though I'm supposed to be super-strong and "invincible."
Also, the main way of getting around in CoH/V is... trains. You take the subway. In DCUO you teleport, which to me sounds far more superheroey than buying a subway pass. "Excuse me, may I cut in line? There is a crime being committed at the next stop and I really... oh, okay. Sure. Just remember that next time one of Dr. Vahzilok's zombies is tearing out your--Oh, I can go ahead? Thank you."
Batman.
Enough said.
Quests.
I like that I can just press the J key and have a bunch of quests at my disposal, and not have to go hunting for contacts. If you read comics, or watch superhero movies/shows, Superheros either see a crime happening and stop it, or someone calls them. They don't go hunting people down and be all "HEY WHAT'S MY NEMESIS UP TO DO I NEED TO BEAT HIM UP OR WHAT."
Batman is the exception, but only because he's the worlds best detective and that's kind of his thing.
Now we're at the section of the review called Things that could ruin the game for me.
Voice acting.
This, for me, is either "Do it well or not at all." The first boss fight is one of Brainiac's robots and he seriously sounds like the computer from Team America. I'm supposed to take something that sounds like a stoned surfer guy trying to sound like a robot seriously? And right after I kick its ass Superman shows up and his flaccid jaw just bounces up and down while audio plays. What the hell?!
YOU MADE A GAME WHERE PEOPLE WANT TO BELIEVE THEY ARE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GREATEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME AND THE SHITTY DUBBING/VOICE ACTING IS MAKING THAT IMPOSSIBLE. HALF OF THE VALUE OF THE GAME IS DESTROYED BEFORE I'M EVEN FINISHED WITH THE TUTORIAL.
If they are going to be that lax with the quality of the voice work than why have it at all? Like a bathroom with a chicken wire door. Or a baseball player with a Masters degree in bio-engineering? WHAT USE DOES IT HAVE?
And the WRITING! After Supes and I beat up the horde of robots he's all, "Good job. Brainiac wasn't counting on you breaking free and destroying his ship." No shit? You mean me foiling his long thought-out and decades in-the-making plan wasn't in his plan? Wow, thank you for that, Superman, I don't know how I would have went on with the rest of my day without that bit of wisdom.
Thankfully once you're out of the tutorial the stupidity volume gets turned down to 6 but its still way too loud. Luthor employees screaming Luthor's name at me and Oh Boy am I gunna be sorry when Luthor gets ahold of me.
I can't find the auction house.
Any MMO these days without an auction house might as well disembowel itself. People expect it, it makes life so much easier and without it the game goes full retard.
Maybe I went full retard and just can't find the thing. But Oracle gave me a full tour of the Watchtower (I have to mention the fact in full disclosure that I totally had a nerdgasm flying around the Watchtower, meeting the Martian Manhunter and I have to stop now or I never will) and I didn't spot it. And when I say Oracle gave me a tour, I don't mean she rolled herself around and showed me shit; she just narrated the quest.
Quest areas are damned tiny.
Something I should have mentioned before now is that you can fly/superspeed/acrobat right off the bat, which I like. In CoH/V you couldn't fly/superjump/superspeed until you hit level 14.
That being said, you can FLY. Quest areas need to be LARGER so I'm not running out of things to do and waiting for things to respawn. Then I have to share that space with the 5 other dickheads who bought the game the same day as me.
The quest areas don't seem all that small when you have to walk but when you can fly, glide or run faster than a car they are tiny.
Thank God I think it's ending.
So that wraps up my little review. It's a fun game and aside from the bad voice acting, chatting with your heroes is still chatting with your heroes (even though the conversation are one-sided--you're a Link). The only thing I didn't touch on are the graphics and I have to say, there's no slider for how things move in the distance. There are the graphics sliders for Texture Detail and People Detail but on Medium level, things a stones throw away move like retarded marionettes and suddenly flush out when you get close. Thankfully I just got a billion horsepower GPU so I have all the specs on High Detail but still, not everyone has a tiny god processing their images.
-McK
Yes, I am reviewing a video game.
After signing up and subscribing and doing this and that the game finally let me play it after fifteen minutes of paper work (maybe e-work? what do you call that?). I got to the character creation screen and was prompted to choose a role-model. You get three choises, Batman, Superman and I forget the third one, maybe Wonder Woman. I'm a DC fan (but not to the extent that I'm a Marvel fan) and my favorites are Batman and Superman, even if DC has never known how to write stories for the man of Steel--I think I will do a separate post on that. Anyway, since those are my favorites I forgot the third one, no slight against WW meant (or the Green Lantern?), I just like my bats and kryptonians.
So I picked Supes. I figured who would be a better mentor? Batman would help you out of a bind but then forget you were alive to go brood on a roof and complain about his dead parents. Superman would complain about his dead species, but being all alone he DESPERATELY needs friends. Why do you think he keeps creating the Justice League/Friends/Guild/etc.?
After that you get routine character creation. Hair, face, hair color, face color, what kind of tights, etc. I chose fire with hand blasts for my powers. I named my superhero Third Degree. It was the most witty fire-themed name I could think of. It was either that or this.
After you're done making your character the game plops you in the middle of Brainiac's ship. Who is supposed to destroy the world. Right, I forgot that part.
DC actually wrote a story to explain why there would be a suddenly explosion in the super-hero population. In the future when all the super-hero's had better looking costumes... well, except Superman, who only got a torn-up costume, a five o'clock shadow and glowing eyes and Wonder Woman, who got a sword...
Anyway, huge CGI battle with future villains and heroes duking it out, heros lose and Lex Luthor impales Supes with a spear tipped with kryptonite, killing his super ass. Before Lex can enjoy the afterglow of killing his nemesis, Brianiac's (I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVEN'T RETCON'D THAT STUPID NAME) armada shows up and Lex looks at all the dead superheros and pretty much goes, "Gosh, I really wish I had them around to help me right now."
SO HE GOES BACK IN TIME TO WARN THE SUPERHEROES!
Batman makes the obvious point, "Why should we believe you?"
Lex looks him dead in the eye and says. "Because."
Then he releases these robots he stole from Brainiac on earth that give random people superpowers so there will be a super army when Brainiac shows up to off the planet.
Back to the ship.
Oracle phones in and is all "OH GOOD YOU ESCAEPD LETS GET UOT FER REALZ." I always feel weird when I read or watch or hear Oracle because I remember having a boy-crush (I WAS TEN) on Batgirl and now she's all paralyzed and I feel weird. Anyway.
So I fight through the ship, get to the boss fight where Supes shows up and is all "Let's beat up these bitches." At this point you can just find a corner to take a nap because Supes does all the heavy lifting but I helped out anyway for the experience.
After that you teleport to the Metropolis Police Department and there the tutorial gives you info on the various facilities much like a tour-guide hopped up on crack would. "Here you can buy things and OH let's talk to that guy and wait there's the Flash and oh yeah there you go bye!"
If you're familiar with MMO's at all the tutorial should feel unneeded anyway. Your first foray into the world of Superheroing is going out to stop Grogg--if you picked Supes to be your mentor--from turning people into apes.
Now we will talk about the combat.
I am playing on the PC. I mention this because the game is also available on the PS3 so the controls will be different. Left mouse is your melee attack. Since I picked Hand blasts for my skill I punch by shoving my arm out while blasting at the same time, which I admit is really cool. You have your standard one-two-pow combo to start off with that you can spend skill points to upgrade.
Right click shoots blasts at enemies a little ways away. This can also be upgraded to do more than the one-two-notquitepow.
The combat is fairly fun, if repetitive. The abilities liven it up and make it a good deal more fun. Then there are weapon abilities that allow you to do special moves depending on what weapon you chose. As I said, I chose hand blasts, and from what I've seen hand blasts powers make you a homicidal soccer/volleyball player. All the special blasts have you making these large energy balls that you kick/slap at the enemies. Aside from making me twitch at how lame I look doing a spinning kick that looks really cool except for the fact that I'm kicking a big ball of red energy at someone that I could just as easily and non-dorkilly throw, its fun.
As a note, this game is being compared to City of Heroes/Villains a lot. In fact, in my first hour of play the chatlog was full of people making comparisons between the two games. So here's what I think DCUO does better than CoH/V:
Equipment.
The loot in the game actually effects the game play. You can find a better cape that gives you more HP and attack, and when you equip it it (GASP) CHANGES THE LOOK OF YOUR HERO!
That's what pissed me off about CoH/V. When the game launched the "loot" you found was only things called Enhancements. Enhancements were pogs that you got that you could slot into your powers that would make them more effective by a percentage. Early levels that percentage was like, 3%, or something. And most of the time the pogs that you found offa badguys were useless until you started Taskforces, which were hours-long strings of quests (or "Missions") that ended with a boss fight, where you might get one or two "good" enhancements. And that's only when you're level 15 or up (of 50 levels).
When I started DCUO, I fought Grogg, Scarecrow, saved Batwoman, fought alongside the Flash and beat the shit out of Bane. While doing this I kept finding loot that completely changed what I looked like--sometimes for better, often for worse. Kilts do not look good on a guy with glowing eyes.
But have I mentioned the style tab?
The style tab records every "look" that you've had and allows you to go back to it at any time. From the original look you had when you made your character or those cool shoulder pads that you replaced four levels ago for the dorky-looking ones with the much better stats. Don't like the way they look? Change it back--without losing stats.
In CoH/V, if you wanted to change the way your guy looked, you had to use the same character creation screen that you started off with, and pay in the games "money" (I think it was called Influence or something). Of course, you could "craft" better items, like a fiery halo or cool mechanical wings, but it took hours of grinding (or lots of money spent at the auction house) to get the necessary materials together.
So my guy in DCUO is always evolving, always changing, but always into something I like because I can control what gets changed and what doesn't. The color scheme stays the same though, so my black and red Fire Hero is always black and red even when he equips a sombrero (I have not equiped a sombrero, though now I really want to).
It's the motherfucking DC Universe.
There's something to be said about having a casual conversation with Superman about how a giant, super-intelligent ape needs it's ass handed to it. Or having The Flash show up in the middle of a mission to lend a hand. Or having Supergirl say something flirty (this happen to happen on a hero I had made that was female, and I am sure there are nerds everywhere doing that mission and masturbating furiously at those few suggestive words).
Flight/Travel.
One thing I remember about CoH/V was that their flying didn't feel like flying. I dunno what it felt like but it was more levitating or... Actually it felt like noclipping. Only without the going-through-walls benefits.
DCUO got it right. The pose, the way the body curves when it turns, all that good stuff. Another cool thing I like is that these super heroes cannot be hurt by gravity. I was always pissed when for some reason or another my flight would cut out in CoH/V and I'd fall and be hurt, even though I'm supposed to be super-strong and "invincible."
Also, the main way of getting around in CoH/V is... trains. You take the subway. In DCUO you teleport, which to me sounds far more superheroey than buying a subway pass. "Excuse me, may I cut in line? There is a crime being committed at the next stop and I really... oh, okay. Sure. Just remember that next time one of Dr. Vahzilok's zombies is tearing out your--Oh, I can go ahead? Thank you."
Batman.
Enough said.
Quests.
I like that I can just press the J key and have a bunch of quests at my disposal, and not have to go hunting for contacts. If you read comics, or watch superhero movies/shows, Superheros either see a crime happening and stop it, or someone calls them. They don't go hunting people down and be all "HEY WHAT'S MY NEMESIS UP TO DO I NEED TO BEAT HIM UP OR WHAT."
Batman is the exception, but only because he's the worlds best detective and that's kind of his thing.
Now we're at the section of the review called Things that could ruin the game for me.
Voice acting.
This, for me, is either "Do it well or not at all." The first boss fight is one of Brainiac's robots and he seriously sounds like the computer from Team America. I'm supposed to take something that sounds like a stoned surfer guy trying to sound like a robot seriously? And right after I kick its ass Superman shows up and his flaccid jaw just bounces up and down while audio plays. What the hell?!
YOU MADE A GAME WHERE PEOPLE WANT TO BELIEVE THEY ARE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GREATEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME AND THE SHITTY DUBBING/VOICE ACTING IS MAKING THAT IMPOSSIBLE. HALF OF THE VALUE OF THE GAME IS DESTROYED BEFORE I'M EVEN FINISHED WITH THE TUTORIAL.
If they are going to be that lax with the quality of the voice work than why have it at all? Like a bathroom with a chicken wire door. Or a baseball player with a Masters degree in bio-engineering? WHAT USE DOES IT HAVE?
And the WRITING! After Supes and I beat up the horde of robots he's all, "Good job. Brainiac wasn't counting on you breaking free and destroying his ship." No shit? You mean me foiling his long thought-out and decades in-the-making plan wasn't in his plan? Wow, thank you for that, Superman, I don't know how I would have went on with the rest of my day without that bit of wisdom.
Thankfully once you're out of the tutorial the stupidity volume gets turned down to 6 but its still way too loud. Luthor employees screaming Luthor's name at me and Oh Boy am I gunna be sorry when Luthor gets ahold of me.
I can't find the auction house.
Any MMO these days without an auction house might as well disembowel itself. People expect it, it makes life so much easier and without it the game goes full retard.
Maybe I went full retard and just can't find the thing. But Oracle gave me a full tour of the Watchtower (I have to mention the fact in full disclosure that I totally had a nerdgasm flying around the Watchtower, meeting the Martian Manhunter and I have to stop now or I never will) and I didn't spot it. And when I say Oracle gave me a tour, I don't mean she rolled herself around and showed me shit; she just narrated the quest.
Quest areas are damned tiny.
Something I should have mentioned before now is that you can fly/superspeed/acrobat right off the bat, which I like. In CoH/V you couldn't fly/superjump/superspeed until you hit level 14.
That being said, you can FLY. Quest areas need to be LARGER so I'm not running out of things to do and waiting for things to respawn. Then I have to share that space with the 5 other dickheads who bought the game the same day as me.
The quest areas don't seem all that small when you have to walk but when you can fly, glide or run faster than a car they are tiny.
Thank God I think it's ending.
So that wraps up my little review. It's a fun game and aside from the bad voice acting, chatting with your heroes is still chatting with your heroes (even though the conversation are one-sided--you're a Link). The only thing I didn't touch on are the graphics and I have to say, there's no slider for how things move in the distance. There are the graphics sliders for Texture Detail and People Detail but on Medium level, things a stones throw away move like retarded marionettes and suddenly flush out when you get close. Thankfully I just got a billion horsepower GPU so I have all the specs on High Detail but still, not everyone has a tiny god processing their images.
-McK
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