Why I should (or shouldn't) write comics.

Apologies for the poor sentence structure in the following story. It was written in about fifteen minutes two years ago.

How this little story came about is really quite simple. I was thinking how it must suck to be a regular vanilla human in the Justice League, regularly going to different parts of the world, or other worlds, or other dimensions with your regular human immune system. I believe this is a storyline that has never appeared in comics, and it should.



Superman walks through the Hall, his face, though composed, unable to hide the underlying apprehension he feels. The Batman has been missing for the last twelve hours, disappearing shortly after the latest fight with Dark Side on Apocalypse. . As he walks through the slideway, he arrives in the Justice League satellite, roughly 22,000 miles above earth.

He makes his way into the Kitchen, where the other active members are waiting for him. He nodded to Wonder Woman, Green Lantern and the rest by way of greeting. "Nothing," he said.

"Same for the rest of us," Wonder Woman replies. "Where could he be?"

Superman folded his arms across his chest and shook his head. "With the information we have, there's no way to know."

The Flash suddenly appeared in the middle of the gathering with a zip of buzzing air. "Guys, c'mon, this is Batman. This is the only guy who's been able to successfully able to hide from everyone on the planet 'cause he was slightly miffed that they kinda removed all the human rights for a while." Suddenly the Flash was standing next to Wonder Woman, elbow resting at an odd angle on the taller woman's shoulder. "He might just be getting laid. Lord knows he could use it."

Wonder Woman rolled her eyes while the Green Lantern hid a smile. Superman raised a finger and opened his mouth to speak--

Nightwing entered the room, his cheeks slightly ruddy. "Guys... Not that I don't enjoy where this conversation is heading, but Bats has the shits. He's been in the head for the last eight hours."

All eyes turned on Batman's ex-partner. After a moment the Flash was the first to recover and barked out a laugh and slapped his knee. "No one thought to check the shitter? Ha!"

There was a "zip!" and suddenly the Flash was at the entrance. "Well now that's over with, there's a Hurricane in Florida I have to do something about."

After everyone went back to their respective duties, Wonder Woman cracked the door to the mens bathroom open. "Bruce? Are you okay?"

"Hell is flowing from my colon."

Wonder Woman didn't know how to reply to that. "Is there anything you need?"

"Kill me, Diana."

Standing frozen for a minute, Wonder Woman slowly shuts the door.

-McK

New talk! Animation.

So over the weekend I watched a bunch of animation. Not anime (though I watched a little bit of that too) but Western animation courtesy of the good folks at Werner Bros.

The first thing I watched was Batman: Under the Red Hood, which I enjoyed immensely. The movie opens up with the Joker beating Robin (I think the second one? I get so confused with all the robins) with a crowbar. Theeeen blowing him up.

Why is this awesome?

BECAUSE THEY ARE FINALLY MAKING ANIMATION FOR ADULTS.

I loved anime when I was growing up because they--for the most part--are geared to a more mature audience. Back then I really liked it because with animation you are not limited by special effects or stunt doubles or whatever. As long as you can draw it, it can be shown. These days this is less important with the advancement of CG technology, but back in the 90's it was pretty important to me.

And all the while I hoped Western animation would come along, because--and I'm sorry to those of you who like anime--the drawing style of anime bothers the hell out of me. Giant eyes and tiny mouths, and two curved lines for noses. Nine times out of ten all anime faces (especially female faces) use the same model and I get bored. I think a major part of the reason Hayao Miyazaki is so successful is because you can tell by the art that he's directing it.

The other day I was browsing anime and the common denominator of mostly all of them (except the really popular ones like Evangelion, Naruto, Guyver, Ghost in the Shell, etc.) were totally fan service on a plate served up with a side of T&A. For example.

But last night I was feeling the pull of a little anime so I popped in Rin: Daughter of hardwordtospell. It's about a private investigator who comes back to life every time she gets killed. Sounds good, got high ratings so whatever I'll watch an episode or two.

The show was designed for depressed, lonely nerds who don't know how to find porn on the internet. Seriously, animated tits left and right, main character's a busty lesbian, torture scene involving dominatrix style piercings... you get the point.

Aside from that it was a decent anime. It had zombies in the first episode so that's pretty cool.

But back to my original rant! WESTERN animation. Under the Red Hood could have easily been a Hollywood blockbuster with a little more character development, script attention and mass market appeal. Aside from that it was still a VERY good movie and I loved the speech the Red Hood gives at the end of the movie.

Only thing I didn't like about it was that they didn't get Mark Hamill to be the Joker(Mark's best voice work here, in my opinion). They had some guy who did his best Mark Hamill Joker impression.

So after that I got all excited and watched Halo: Legends only to discover it was an anthology of short animations and had all sorts of anime in it (not even the god kind too. The first three had shitty anime with loooots of doubles and triples (doubles/triples meaning using the same frame two or three times in a row to save on animation effort) in use.

After that I tried watching the Superman/Shazam thing only to find it was ANOTHER DAMN ANTHOLOGY. Good animation. I know nothing about the Spectre though so I got bored and went to go find something else to watch.

I lost the point I was trying to make some where along there... Oh, I found it! Western animation is coming along, but if they don't hurry they will be made obsolete by advancing CGI techniques.

-McK

Rant

Someone linked on Twitter a photo of the new Wonder Woman costume and actress and I felt compelled as a DC nerd to rant the hell out of it.

The costume looks like something your girlfriend would wear when you are roleplaying in the bedroom.
The actress is rail thin.
Wonder Woman is an amazon princess, highest of their warriors. SHE SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE I COULD SLAP HER AND SHE'D FALL DOWN.

This is the shit that irritates me when I see casting being done for super heroes. "She's pretty with black hair and she's tall, PERFECT!!!!" Herp de derp.

And on another topic, her tits are like, on different time zones. I could park my car between them.

/rant.

-McK

How DC Messed up Superman.

In my last post I said something about how DC could never write for the Man of Steel and maybe I should do a separate post on that. Well, here it is.

I don't think there is a person in the States who doesn't know who Superman is. He's had four feature films, a bunch of TV shows, several animated shows, several animated movies and has been in comics since the forties. He stands for Truth, Justice and... well, if you watch or read the modern Supes the American Way has been left behind in order to be more politically correct. So, now he stands for Truth, Justice and Political Correctness.

Now, someone might ask, "Why do you say they don't know how to write for him? He's the most popular superhero ever!"

I'd say to that, "True. Then why is Marvel so much more popular than DC?"

One could say that Marvel has more heroes that draw readers. But if you look at sales, they get their money from comics with the Big Names in them. Whenever the New Warriors have Wolverine guest star in their comic circulation goes up and goes down as soon as Wolverine gets tired of hanging out with losers and goes and kills a grizzly bear with his bare hands. Deadpool is rising in popularity (I was into Deadpool before he got all "popular") because he is a generally interesting character, but his sales still raise when he get's teamed up with/against Spider-Man or any other brand-name hero.

Same goes for DC. (Enter lame hero)'s sales go up when Superman or Batman show up to lend a hand. DC knows it's main powerhouses and even tried to cash in on that, doing a story-arch called Trinity where Supes, Batman and Wonder Woman teamed up and beat the shit out of everything that looked slightly bad.

Where am I going with this? Well, Supes is the icon of virtue and all that good stuff but he doesn't hold my attention like Spider-Man does or even Wolverine.

Why?

Because he's goddamn Superman! Nothing can hurt his super-ass unless you have a particular green rock. It's hard to read about someone who is all powerful because it's BORING.

When he stops a robbery, is there any doubt that he will stop it? Absolutely not. The guy can circle the globe in a heartbeat, bullets bounce off him and he can see through walls; there's absolutely no way to escape from him. With Spider-Man there's a chance that one of the robbers might get lucky and cap his ass, or they drive out of Manhattan and Spidey can't chase because there are no more sky-scrapers to swing from.

Well you can stand up for him and refute my point various ways but I'd like to point out that the highest selling comic of all time was The Death of Superman.

People who don't even read comics bought that comic. Partly because it was the Paragon of Virtue Superman being killed. For me (yes I bought it and then promptly lost it) it was because there was an actual story about struggle.

Why are movies like Die Hard, The Shawshank Redemption, even The Dark Knight so entertaining? Because the main character has some serious barriers to overcome! And you're there, eating your popcorn, rooting for him when he's winning and sharing his pain when he gets knocked down. And when he finally gets to the end, and finally wins and can go home, you have that same relief that he feels.

How can you share pain with someone who is invincible?

How can you relate to someone who always wins?

To me, the Death of Superman was exactly what was needed for Superman; showing that he is just like me. He can lose.

...I would have gone a different path than killing him, but there you go.

What brought all this to mind was the opening CGI in DC Universe Online, where Supes looks all crazy-cool with his glowing eyes, shredded cape and unshaven face (how does he shave, anyway? His hair is strong enough to hold a ton, a literal ton) and he seriously just owns Black Adam's face with his laser eyes, probably killing him. Then he beats up Lex a bit, goes over to Wonder Woman who's all messed up and Oh ho ho, Lex is crafty and put Kryptonite in her mouth which messes with Supes and Lex walks up and impales Supes on a spear.

That got me thinking, "How would I handle Superman?"

When he starts out he has all the same powers. But when he's around Kryptonite, it has permanent effects. He's still Superman, but bullets can hurt him. Not kill him, but hurt him. And only high-caliber weapons. That would mean that Tanks could hurt him potentially. I'd let him keep his super-speed and heat-vision, of course, but making it so he can be hurt by things other than nuclear bombs makes him so much easier to write.

And kryptonite? Only one rock. ONE. And after Supes gets weakened the majority of it gets destroyed. I read somewhere that with how much kryptonite is available on Earth, Krypton would have had ten times the mass of our entire solar system when it exploded for all that stuff to fall to Earth. So, there's only one rock.

Oh, and his solar powered powers? Only last six hours. When he wakes up in the morning in the winter, before he opens his window, he's a regular Joe. So there'd be no need for that stupid red sunlight shit.

Superdog never exists.

Jimmy Olsen? Dies as a child.

Lois Lane IMMEDIATELY figures out who Clark is because she's not a complete IDIOT. It doesn't take the investigative powers of a Pulitzer prize winning reporter to figure out Clark Kent = Superman. "Hmm. Same height, build, hair and eye color, not to mention they look identical. Never seen at the same place at once. Clark avoids Superman stories like he's allergic to them..." I WONDER IF CLARK IS SUPERMAN.

Aaaand because Lois finds out Supes secret identity early without the building of their friendship/relationship, she might just write that news story Supes is always getting her to promise not to write. I actually don't know what I'd do here, either out Supes or get him to threaten Lois from doing it. Maybe not threaten threaten, but being all "Publishing that could put everything that is close to me in danger. What if someone wanted to hurt my mom to get to me? etc."

Anyway. That, to me, is far more interesting than "OH NOES GIANT ROBOT--oh, Superman just tossed it into the sun. It didn't even start up yet. Huh."

-McK

DC Universe Online

So I downloaded DC universe (I find it simpler to download Steam games just before going to bed/work and having a game ready for me when I get home than going to an actual store) a few days ago and I've gotten what I think is a pretty good feel of the game.

Yes, I am reviewing a video game.

After signing up and subscribing and doing this and that the game finally let me play it after fifteen minutes of paper work (maybe e-work? what do you call that?). I got to the character creation screen and was prompted to choose a role-model. You get three choises, Batman, Superman and I forget the third one, maybe Wonder Woman. I'm a DC fan (but not to the extent that I'm a Marvel fan) and my favorites are Batman and Superman, even if DC has never known how to write stories for the man of Steel--I think I will do a separate post on that. Anyway, since those are my favorites I forgot the third one, no slight against WW meant (or the Green Lantern?), I just like my bats and kryptonians.

So I picked Supes. I figured who would be a better mentor? Batman would help you out of a bind but then forget you were alive to go brood on a roof and complain about his dead parents. Superman would complain about his dead species, but being all alone he DESPERATELY needs friends. Why do you think he keeps creating the Justice League/Friends/Guild/etc.?

After that you get routine character creation. Hair, face, hair color, face color, what kind of tights, etc. I chose fire with hand blasts for my powers. I named my superhero Third Degree. It was the most witty fire-themed name I could think of. It was either that or this.

After you're done making your character the game plops you in the middle of Brainiac's ship. Who is supposed to destroy the world. Right, I forgot that part.

DC actually wrote a story to explain why there would be a suddenly explosion in the super-hero population. In the future when all the super-hero's had better looking costumes... well, except Superman, who only got a torn-up costume, a five o'clock shadow and glowing eyes and Wonder Woman, who got a sword...

Anyway, huge CGI battle with future villains and heroes duking it out, heros lose and Lex Luthor impales Supes with a spear tipped with kryptonite, killing his super ass. Before Lex can enjoy the afterglow of killing his nemesis, Brianiac's (I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVEN'T RETCON'D THAT STUPID NAME) armada shows up and Lex looks at all the dead superheros and pretty much goes, "Gosh, I really wish I had them around to help me right now."

SO HE GOES BACK IN TIME TO WARN THE SUPERHEROES!

Batman makes the obvious point, "Why should we believe you?"

Lex looks him dead in the eye and says. "Because."

Then he releases these robots he stole from Brainiac on earth that give random people superpowers so there will be a super army when Brainiac shows up to off the planet.

Back to the ship.

Oracle phones in and is all "OH GOOD YOU ESCAEPD LETS GET UOT FER REALZ." I always feel weird when I read or watch or hear Oracle because I remember having a boy-crush (I WAS TEN) on Batgirl and now she's all paralyzed and I feel weird. Anyway.

So I fight through the ship, get to the boss fight where Supes shows up and is all "Let's beat up these bitches." At this point you can just find a corner to take a nap because Supes does all the heavy lifting but I helped out anyway for the experience.

After that you teleport to the Metropolis Police Department and there the tutorial gives you info on the various facilities much like a tour-guide hopped up on crack would. "Here you can buy things and OH let's talk to that guy and wait there's the Flash and oh yeah there you go bye!"

If you're familiar with MMO's at all the tutorial should feel unneeded anyway. Your first foray into the world of Superheroing is going out to stop Grogg--if you picked Supes to be your mentor--from turning people into apes.

Now we will talk about the combat.

I am playing on the PC. I mention this because the game is also available on the PS3 so the controls will be different. Left mouse is your melee attack. Since I picked Hand blasts for my skill I punch by shoving my arm out while blasting at the same time, which I admit is really cool. You have your standard one-two-pow combo to start off with that you can spend skill points to upgrade.

Right click shoots blasts at enemies a little ways away. This can also be upgraded to do more than the one-two-notquitepow.

The combat is fairly fun, if repetitive. The abilities liven it up and make it a good deal more fun. Then there are weapon abilities that allow you to do special moves depending on what weapon you chose. As I said, I chose hand blasts, and from what I've seen hand blasts powers make you a homicidal soccer/volleyball player. All the special blasts have you making these large energy balls that you kick/slap at the enemies. Aside from making me twitch at how lame I look doing a spinning kick that looks really cool except for the fact that I'm kicking a big ball of red energy at someone that I could just as easily and non-dorkilly throw, its fun.

As a note, this game is being compared to City of Heroes/Villains a lot. In fact, in my first hour of play the chatlog was full of people making comparisons between the two games. So here's what I think DCUO does better than CoH/V:

Equipment.
The loot in the game actually effects the game play. You can find a better cape that gives you more HP and attack, and when you equip it it (GASP) CHANGES THE LOOK OF YOUR HERO!

That's what pissed me off about CoH/V. When the game launched the "loot" you found was only things called Enhancements. Enhancements were pogs that you got that you could slot into your powers that would make them more effective by a percentage. Early levels that percentage was like, 3%, or something. And most of the time the pogs that you found offa badguys were useless until you started Taskforces, which were hours-long strings of quests (or "Missions") that ended with a boss fight, where you might get one or two "good" enhancements. And that's only when you're level 15 or up (of 50 levels).

When I started DCUO, I fought Grogg, Scarecrow, saved Batwoman, fought alongside the Flash and beat the shit out of Bane. While doing this I kept finding loot that completely changed what I looked like--sometimes for better, often for worse. Kilts do not look good on a guy with glowing eyes.

But have I mentioned the style tab?

The style tab records every "look" that you've had and allows you to go back to it at any time. From the original look you had when you made your character or those cool shoulder pads that you replaced four levels ago for the dorky-looking ones with the much better stats. Don't like the way they look? Change it back--without losing stats.

In CoH/V, if you wanted to change the way your guy looked, you had to use the same character creation screen that you started off with, and pay in the games "money" (I think it was called Influence or something). Of course, you could "craft" better items, like a fiery halo or cool mechanical wings, but it took hours of grinding (or lots of money spent at the auction house) to get the necessary materials together.

So my guy in DCUO is always evolving, always changing, but always into something I like because I can control what gets changed and what doesn't. The color scheme stays the same though, so my black and red Fire Hero is always black and red even when he equips a sombrero (I have not equiped a sombrero, though now I really want to).

It's the motherfucking DC Universe.
There's something to be said about having a casual conversation with Superman about how a giant, super-intelligent ape needs it's ass handed to it. Or having The Flash show up in the middle of a mission to lend a hand. Or having Supergirl say something flirty (this happen to happen on a hero I had made that was female, and I am sure there are nerds everywhere doing that mission and masturbating furiously at those few suggestive words).

Flight/Travel.
One thing I remember about CoH/V was that their flying didn't feel like flying. I dunno what it felt like but it was more levitating or... Actually it felt like noclipping. Only without the going-through-walls benefits.

DCUO got it right. The pose, the way the body curves when it turns, all that good stuff. Another cool thing I like is that these super heroes cannot be hurt by gravity. I was always pissed when for some reason or another my flight would cut out in CoH/V and I'd fall and be hurt, even though I'm supposed to be super-strong and "invincible."

Also, the main way of getting around in CoH/V is... trains. You take the subway. In DCUO you teleport, which to me sounds far more superheroey than buying a subway pass. "Excuse me, may I cut in line? There is a crime being committed at the next stop and I really... oh, okay. Sure. Just remember that next time one of Dr. Vahzilok's zombies is tearing out your--Oh, I can go ahead? Thank you."

Batman.
Enough said.

Quests.
I like that I can just press the J key and have a bunch of quests at my disposal, and not have to go hunting for contacts. If you read comics, or watch superhero movies/shows, Superheros either see a crime happening and stop it, or someone calls them. They don't go hunting people down and be all "HEY WHAT'S MY NEMESIS UP TO DO I NEED TO BEAT HIM UP OR WHAT."

Batman is the exception, but only because he's the worlds best detective and that's kind of his thing.

Now we're at the section of the review called Things that could ruin the game for me.

Voice acting.
This, for me, is either "Do it well or not at all." The first boss fight is one of Brainiac's robots and he seriously sounds like the computer from Team America. I'm supposed to take something that sounds like a stoned surfer guy trying to sound like a robot seriously? And right after I kick its ass Superman shows up and his flaccid jaw just bounces up and down while audio plays. What the hell?!

YOU MADE A GAME WHERE PEOPLE WANT TO BELIEVE THEY ARE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GREATEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME AND THE SHITTY DUBBING/VOICE ACTING IS MAKING THAT IMPOSSIBLE. HALF OF THE VALUE OF THE GAME IS DESTROYED BEFORE I'M EVEN FINISHED WITH THE TUTORIAL.

If they are going to be that lax with the quality of the voice work than why have it at all? Like a bathroom with a chicken wire door. Or a baseball player with a Masters degree in bio-engineering? WHAT USE DOES IT HAVE?

And the WRITING! After Supes and I beat up the horde of robots he's all, "Good job. Brainiac wasn't counting on you breaking free and destroying his ship." No shit? You mean me foiling his long thought-out and decades in-the-making plan wasn't in his plan? Wow, thank you for that, Superman, I don't know how I would have went on with the rest of my day without that bit of wisdom.

Thankfully once you're out of the tutorial the stupidity volume gets turned down to 6 but its still way too loud. Luthor employees screaming Luthor's name at me and Oh Boy am I gunna be sorry when Luthor gets ahold of me.

I can't find the auction house.
Any MMO these days without an auction house might as well disembowel itself. People expect it, it makes life so much easier and without it the game goes full retard.

Maybe I went full retard and just can't find the thing. But Oracle gave me a full tour of the Watchtower (I have to mention the fact in full disclosure that I totally had a nerdgasm flying around the Watchtower, meeting the Martian Manhunter and I have to stop now or I never will) and I didn't spot it. And when I say Oracle gave me a tour, I don't mean she rolled herself around and showed me shit; she just narrated the quest.

Quest areas are damned tiny.
Something I should have mentioned before now is that you can fly/superspeed/acrobat right off the bat, which I like. In CoH/V you couldn't fly/superjump/superspeed until you hit level 14.

That being said, you can FLY. Quest areas need to be LARGER so I'm not running out of things to do and waiting for things to respawn. Then I have to share that space with the 5 other dickheads who bought the game the same day as me.

The quest areas don't seem all that small when you have to walk but when you can fly, glide or run faster than a car they are tiny.

Thank God I think it's ending.
So that wraps up my little review. It's a fun game and aside from the bad voice acting, chatting with your heroes is still chatting with your heroes (even though the conversation are one-sided--you're a Link). The only thing I didn't touch on are the graphics and I have to say, there's no slider for how things move in the distance. There are the graphics sliders for Texture Detail and People Detail but on Medium level, things a stones throw away move like retarded marionettes and suddenly flush out when you get close. Thankfully I just got a billion horsepower GPU so I have all the specs on High Detail but still, not everyone has a tiny god processing their images.

-McK