Tetsuooooo!

So I've been told by my good buddy Binah that the "internets" is in a goodly huff over the Akira live action movie. I can understand how this could be as the latest rumor has Keanu Reeves as the main character Kaneda.

TETSUOOOOOOOO!!!

The movie is set to take place in New York.

Now, it should be known that I just read the manga. Like, last week. So I don't have my panties in a bunch over the fact that they are completely ruining the story. Which they are.

I'm not writing a blag post on how outraged I am. I'm writing a blag post on how stupid the people who are making the movie are. Here's a brief backround on Akira the manga.

HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION in Tokyo Japan, thought to be nuclear in nature, sparks off World War 3 in the early 2000's. Thirty years later Japan is it's own nation again (without America holding it's leash like after WWII) but with various factions and intrigue and boringness. Enter Kaneda and Tetsuo, juvenile delinquents in a motorcycle gang. They somehow get mixed up with a bunch of psychics and the whole of Tokyo soon goes to hell.

"...shit."

Why having it in New York is dumb: Because the States discovered loooooong ago that maybe developing military secrets under one of the most populated cities in the country isn't such a hot idea re: Manhattan Project (initially located under Chicago).

Also, the explosion that takes place in Akira is massive and would eat up allll of New York city. Tokyo is huge.

Would blowing up New York start WWIII? Don't think so. Blowing up Japan in the 2000's is like a kid in a playground getting shot. If no one is found immediately Someone will point fingers and demand accountability and if they have enough sway they will find someone to blame. Blowing up something in the states is kinda like a cop getting shot. Sad, yes, but he's a damned cop. It's part of the job. Maybe if the States would stop telling the rest of the world how awesome they are it'd be different (it will never happen).

Second, the story revolves around a kid named Kaneda who has the hots for a chick who's part of some "resistance." The basic premise is that Kaneda wants to impress this chick and get in her pants so he tags along and does stupid shit that helps her and along the way becomes some sort of quasi-hero.

The pursuit of tail is actually the basis of a lot of epic literature, now that I think about it...

Tetsuo somehow is either given/discovers he has super psychic abilities and sense he's a cocksucker juvenile delinquent he of course starts causing all sorts of trouble.

This is a very hard premise to pull off with 30-40 something actors. What 40 year old do you know that would drop everything and go into a life-and-death situation to impress some random chick? Most 40 year old men have jobs, mortgages and families to consider so it makes it highly unlikely that some guy who's got a bad knee is gunna come along for a ride.

A 15 year old, however, is a different story. A 15 year old would jump into a life-and-death situation simply because there's nothing good on TV. And if there's a small chance he might get laid? Holy shit!

"There is no way this day could be better!"

So yeah. The movie will be shit because they will be doing massive re-writes to make it make sense for the setting, massive re-writes to turn 2500+ pages of comic into a cohesive 2 hour storyline and massive re-writes to make it appeal to a larger audience which is dumb. The first people in line will be the hardcore Akira fans to be the first people to see how retarded the film is. Then they will go out into the world and spread the heresy so that other will know it's a shit movie. A couple soccer moms and dads will see it and say "Other than the violence it was a nice movie" and it will fade away like a fart in the office.

Anyway.

-McK