Dear everyone,

If you have an answering service, please end it. Everyone I have talked to regarding answering services, everyone, thinks they are a waste of time. I myself, think they are infuriating.

So, quit it.

Much Love,

Guy on the Internet with a Blag

Update post

So! I didn't go to jail. The courthouse just nailed me for $500. Pheh.

And we had our D&D night!

It went pretty much how I predicted. We spent most of the night creating characters. I say "we" because every 3 seconds it was "McK what the hell's an ability modifier?" and "what are my skillzzzz?" and "Heheh, feet. Oh, feat. What's a feat?"

Which was perfectly fine and I walked them through it. I only lost my patience once with my little brother because I'd be talking to someone and he'd just start talking(you have to understand--he is loud) like the other people weren't important (AHEM, take note, little brother).

And then we started the campaign I had scribbled together at the last instant. I had most of it already plotted and had planned to flesh it out but we were doing this over at my Mother's because she suddenly had an urge to cook for all my friends (it was awesome. Too much food + delicious food = awesome dinner. The kind of dinner where after a couple hours you float back to the table and fill another plate). I was there early and my mom's the kind of lady that if she's working, she finds things for idle hands to do. Nothing wrong with this, just set me back.

Anyway! The story I whipped up was based in the Forgotten Realms on the Sword Coast. Neverwinter specifically. Neverwinter is in heavy negotiations with Luskan during their war and a kid is kidnapped by goblins. Neverwinter doesn't want to spark off the war again so they turn to four adventurers.

Pretty simple.

Only in my haste I mislabeled Silverymoon as Neverwinter (prolly because I played Neverwinter Nights too much) and told them that Alustriel was the one calling the shots. I have only just now figured this out (oops!). Retcon time!

Anyway, they had a good time and little brother is begging to play again so I guess it was a success despite my blundering of the storyline.

Hurrah!

-McK

Poop jokes are funny.

Or at least I think so. Here is a conversation I was having with a friend. I have left out some of the friends comments because I think it's funnier if it looks like I am having this long rant about my recent bowel movement.

Me: Oh my God I am taking a shit that never ends.

Binah: Ahahaha I had one of those today.

Me: THE FUMES ARE PEELING THE PAINT! I hear crying! Why is there crying?

Me: Now there's laughter coming from the bowl. And there's... a glow.

Me: Poop should not glow, Binah.

Me: I am rather alarmed! There is now... black... ness coming out of the bowl. I have tried to flush five times now. The smell is unrelenting.

Me: THERE IS A FACE.

Binah: Run.

Me: There are arms.

Binah: RUN!

Me: Should I be praying?

Me: I mean, this is most definitely evil. I would take an act of God to expunge.

And then I had to do other shit (hur hur hur).

-McK

The Legal system.

I was a bad boy.

Well, I guess that should be "I am a bad boy."

This is a story about my adventures with the legal system.

In January I was pulled over for not wearing my seatbelt. At the time I had not renewed my registration or my drivers license BUT I was told by the lady at the DMV that my permit for Motorcycles was good for regular old cars too. I asked this specifically because I wanted to know if I should renew my driver's license while I was there but since I was trying to get the license where I can drive both, did the permit act like that as well. She said yes.

The police disagreed.

I paid the fines and went to the court house for my arraignment. They told me to come back in goddamn March.

March comes along and I've almost forgotten about my court date but at the last minute (the night before) I remember and make plans.

I misread the form and arrived late.

They issued something called a "Bench Warrant" on my ass. I think what that means is that if they pull you over they're warranted to beat you with a bench.

Yes, I am terrified.

So when I show up and am informed of this I rationally ask that, since I'm there, can I not be beaten with a bench and just do what's needed? I have my driver's license and registration now (both done on the SAME DAY as the ticket).

The articulate and handsome sheriff of course told me to go fuck myself.

...

Okay, he didn't say that (but he was handsome and articulate, if really short). What he did tell me was "No." He went on to tell me to come back tomorrow (now today) at 8:30 AM and get it sorted out. Also, try to avoid getting arrested as there was a warrant on me.

So I stayed home from work for the rest of the day, fearing police/sheriff's armed with benches.

Today I get up bright and chipper¹ to go and handle this. All I want is to give them money, have them shake their finger at me and let me leave with no strings attached like the threat of being beaten with a bench.

I go into the courtroom after waiting 20 minutes because today I am punctual goddamnit and after waiting another hour while we go through the court routine, I finally have an opportunity to ask the bailiff about my case and he says, and I quote:

"I didn't tell you to get a Walk-In Pass? Go down the hall and get one and we'll get to you shortly."

So, calm and in control² I walk down the hall and stand in line for another 30 minutes to be informed that there is no more room left in the court room and to come back tomorrow. I asked about the bench³ warrant and I am informed that yes it is in effect and try not to get pulled over because it will be your ass.

So, tomorrow I have to get up before I go to sleep early and go to the courthouse again, wait in line and get a walk-in slip, then wait in line so I can have a judge shake her finger at me and hopefully get fined.

And hope I don't get arrested.

-McK

How I DM

A bunch of folks read the last post I wrote(and by "a bunch" I mean "more than my immediate family") so today's post is more along those same lines.

There are several types of Dungeon Masters, and because of that they tend to form different types of gaming groups. There is the Uncompromising DM, who runs a Sisyphean struggle where you curse his name and shout "GIVE ME A BREAK" at least once a game. These are the kinds of guys who have you do a quest for 45 gold and the healing afterward costs 60.

Then there are the Novelist DM's. These guys aren't running a game, they are writing a story and their group is their audience. The time between each players action is at least a century and it's like having Tolkien read you one of his books, occasionally asking you what one of the characters will do next.

Another type is the Rule Master. Everything by the book, or by all the books. This is the type of guy that'll make you roll a dexterity plus wisdom check to brush your teeth with a Difficulty Check of one. And God help you if you contest one of these rules. You will have an argument that will last long after everyone has died, both in the game and in reality.

Next we have the Friend. The Friend wants to make everyone happy. Mostly by bending or breaking the rules of the game and basically making each character a God in their own right. These games tend to be very boring because it usually runs along the lines of "You kill... uhm, everything! You win. And... you gain four levels."

Following the Friend, we have the Enemy. His only goal in life is to make you cry. Failing that, he is going to kill your character you spent three hours writing a back story for.

Then we have the Professional. The Professional doesn't let rules get in the way of great role playing. If someone wants to do something that isn't covered in the rules, the Professional will either make up or pervert a rule so that the character can continue doing his thing.

Finally, we have the Realist. The Realist wants to make fighting monsters and combat magic non-existent. He wants you to have "real" problems like someone stole a pie or the wagon's axle broke or someone impregnated the Mayor's daughter or what have you. This is the type of DM that I personally hate, because why play Dungeons and Dragons if there are no Dungeons and Dragon involved?

Of course there are grays in between. I myself am a mix of Professional and Friend... for low-levelers. When a group hits level 10 I become Uncompromising and at level 16 I become the Enemy.

And with all that there is very little else I could say about how I DM. I apply Professional to all my roles but as the players progress I turn up the difficulty and switch up the game play so that there is never the "same old same old" occurring.

I have taken a few tips from the DM tips section (redundant...) of the Goblins web comic. I keep a running tab of each characters bonus EXP in a pocket book. Goblins recommends flash cards but I love pocket books so I use those.

This is also a bit weird, but I throw in Plot Points from the Serenity RPG as well.

Plot points are points that are awarded for good role playing. D&D doesn't really have a good mechanic for creating role playing opportunities. You have your alignment and that's basically it. It depends on the players and the DM to create these opportunities. The Serenity RPG (which is REALLY good and you basically only need the one manual to start up a game) has it set up that when you make a character it already has all these quircks that you have to role play and if you do it well you get plot points.

In Serenity, Plot Points can be used to improved dice rolls if you really need one to succeed. So you can spend all your plot points make sure you snipe that bastard that's about to kill your First Mate, which if done right is role playing your Loyal complication which will award you more plot points. Capiche? And if you have any left over at the end of the campaign you can use them to upgrade your character.

In my game it runs on the same principal with a few additions. If you want you can use a plot point to divide a die. So if you need to roll a 20 you can roll 2 tens instead. This means you cannot fumble but it makes rolling a twenty twice as hard... I think. Math and averages aren't my strong suit. You can do this as many times as you want, so if you happen to spend 20 plot points, you roll an instant 20. Spend 10 points, you flip a coin ten times and heads = one, tails = two. You get it.

Each plot point saved at the end of the campaign gets turned into 1% of the EXP you need to get to the next level, up to 30%. So let's say you end the campaign by killing the goblin king with 15 Plot Points left. You need 10,000 EXP to level. The Campaign award gives you 8000 EXP and the Plot Points give you another 1500, leaving you with just 500 EXP to level. Got it?

I throw that in there for my own amusement because I thought the Plot Point thing in Serenity was really clever. The whole thing is really clever. But it doesn't have a traditional "leveling" system which, sadly, I really enjoy and so I stick to playing D&D.

And that's how I DM.

-McK

Dungeons and Dragons

So I'm starting up a D&D game with my friends. It's been at least six years since I last ran a game and I'm a little nervous because I want them to have a good time as most of them have never played before. And while I was worrying about that I was like "there's a blag post in there..."

You see, most people, when they hear the phrase/word D&D get a picture in their head of a bunch of nerdy looking dudes leaning over a table filled to the edge with weird manuals, miniatures and dice.

Good God, the dice.

While this can be true, a good portion of the time you have people who play D&D who are not really nerds. I consider myself a nerd because I can tell you in detail how to beat Zelda: Ocarina of Time, what's the best gear in WoW (not really, I stopped playing a year ago--but at the time I could), have arguments with Trekkies about how Star Wars in superior (IT IS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE PREQUELS) and yes my extensive knowledge of D&D (Chaotic Good for life, bro).

But then you have guys like Vin Diesel who play D&D. Would you EVER look at a guy like that and go "He is such a nerd. He will never get laid." Of course not. The guy sweats testosterone. The pheromones coming off him alone will snag him some tail.

Another thing that comes to mind about D&D is that it's all about slaying monsters and rolling dice. Yes, that is a large part of it. But if that is the only part of it, the Dungeon Master is not doing his job.

For those of you who are not familiar with D&D, this is the role the Dungeon Master plays: First, he gets a cape. Why? Because I said so. Mental note: get a cape. Second, a decent Dungeon Master's job is to make the sad suckers in front of him feel like they are in another world ramming large pieces of metal into monsters. A good Dungeon Master will make his players into a tightly knit group, experiencing real fear when one of their number gets hurt. He gets them to work together in such a way that when one of them die in a fight they actually get angry and curse and sometimes cry. A good DM will make it possible to solve the situation with solution other than "lets kill our way outta this mess." A good DM will let the players kill their way outta this mess, if they want. A good DM basically makes it safe to play pretend, which is basically all D&D is.

Yep. I said it. D&D is playing pretend. You know, that thing that five year olds do? "Let's play pretend that I am Spider-Man and you are Superman and we have to fight Docotor Ocotopus(sic)." Remember that? Or, for girls, "Let's play pretend that Barbie is mad at Ken because he was holding hands with (name)."

I'll say it again; D&D is playing pretend for grown-ups. Something happens to people as they grow and they just can't sit down and have fun anymore. They need stuff to have fun. When you were 5 all you needed was a friend and a mouth and you had hours of fun. Then you're 9 and now you need that friend and a baseball. 12 rolls around and now you need a baseball bat and a yard. Etc. They are all crutches to allow you to have fun.

"Well, now, McK, that's not true! It's just that as you mature you need more stimulation!"

Eh. We all daydream. I have fun doing it. I bet each of you have daydreamed about a certain female/male acquaintance that you would love to be much more than an acquaintance. How come you don't need action figures, video-games or a field for that activity? Because you do it by yourself.

Other activities best done alone.

Now let's say you're not daydreaming about boning the hot redhead in accounting, but of being a warrior named Grogga with a six foot sword and more body hair than Robin Williams. This would be really fun to play out, and even more fun if you had another person to play it with. Unfortunately, that is something "only kids do" and if anyone caught you doing it they'd think you were weird, crazy, perverted or all of the above.

So D&D is a well devised scheme to allow grown-ass men and women to play pretend. The manuals, the dice, the minis, the cards, maps, dungeon grids, capes... they are all there so that when someone catches you playing pretend, it looks like something other than what it is. "We're playing a REAL game with REAL RULES and it's SOPHISTICATED!"

Whatever. I call 'em as I see 'em and playing D&D is a big old game of pretend. When I'm not DMing I'm usually a wizard because I love the idea that if someone fucks with me I can turn him into a hampster. I'm already a large man that can kill with my hands, so there's no real appeal in being a fighter class (aside from monks, but only because they are AWESOME).

So when I DM I invent things to make the game more fun and I bend/break the rules of the game if it so happens to help the story I am telling or will make the game more interesting. My next post will be about how I game if this one goes over well.

-McK

P.S. This post looks different from my other because Blogger took a dump yesterday and I had to copy and paste this from a couple other editors until it came back up.

Tetsuooooo!

So I've been told by my good buddy Binah that the "internets" is in a goodly huff over the Akira live action movie. I can understand how this could be as the latest rumor has Keanu Reeves as the main character Kaneda.

TETSUOOOOOOOO!!!

The movie is set to take place in New York.

Now, it should be known that I just read the manga. Like, last week. So I don't have my panties in a bunch over the fact that they are completely ruining the story. Which they are.

I'm not writing a blag post on how outraged I am. I'm writing a blag post on how stupid the people who are making the movie are. Here's a brief backround on Akira the manga.

HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION in Tokyo Japan, thought to be nuclear in nature, sparks off World War 3 in the early 2000's. Thirty years later Japan is it's own nation again (without America holding it's leash like after WWII) but with various factions and intrigue and boringness. Enter Kaneda and Tetsuo, juvenile delinquents in a motorcycle gang. They somehow get mixed up with a bunch of psychics and the whole of Tokyo soon goes to hell.

"...shit."

Why having it in New York is dumb: Because the States discovered loooooong ago that maybe developing military secrets under one of the most populated cities in the country isn't such a hot idea re: Manhattan Project (initially located under Chicago).

Also, the explosion that takes place in Akira is massive and would eat up allll of New York city. Tokyo is huge.

Would blowing up New York start WWIII? Don't think so. Blowing up Japan in the 2000's is like a kid in a playground getting shot. If no one is found immediately Someone will point fingers and demand accountability and if they have enough sway they will find someone to blame. Blowing up something in the states is kinda like a cop getting shot. Sad, yes, but he's a damned cop. It's part of the job. Maybe if the States would stop telling the rest of the world how awesome they are it'd be different (it will never happen).

Second, the story revolves around a kid named Kaneda who has the hots for a chick who's part of some "resistance." The basic premise is that Kaneda wants to impress this chick and get in her pants so he tags along and does stupid shit that helps her and along the way becomes some sort of quasi-hero.

The pursuit of tail is actually the basis of a lot of epic literature, now that I think about it...

Tetsuo somehow is either given/discovers he has super psychic abilities and sense he's a cocksucker juvenile delinquent he of course starts causing all sorts of trouble.

This is a very hard premise to pull off with 30-40 something actors. What 40 year old do you know that would drop everything and go into a life-and-death situation to impress some random chick? Most 40 year old men have jobs, mortgages and families to consider so it makes it highly unlikely that some guy who's got a bad knee is gunna come along for a ride.

A 15 year old, however, is a different story. A 15 year old would jump into a life-and-death situation simply because there's nothing good on TV. And if there's a small chance he might get laid? Holy shit!

"There is no way this day could be better!"

So yeah. The movie will be shit because they will be doing massive re-writes to make it make sense for the setting, massive re-writes to turn 2500+ pages of comic into a cohesive 2 hour storyline and massive re-writes to make it appeal to a larger audience which is dumb. The first people in line will be the hardcore Akira fans to be the first people to see how retarded the film is. Then they will go out into the world and spread the heresy so that other will know it's a shit movie. A couple soccer moms and dads will see it and say "Other than the violence it was a nice movie" and it will fade away like a fart in the office.

Anyway.

-McK